Journal

Pages of words, go flying through the air
Letters and musing, in a language I don't care
People who dance through this atmosphere see
Nothing as they stample pages underneath.

Swirling, swirling, colliding all around
Life, love, death, black - colors abound
Laughter, conversations, quotes and sorrow
All a reminder of last year's tomorrow.

You.
You try to take it away.
Rip through the pages.

Destroy my dreams,
Burn my secret things,
Tear me apart.

You.
You think you have me.
Know all my secrets.

But, I will live on -
In the journal of my heart.

Ha. Life. Work.
It's seems like I've turned off thinking and have been trudging in grunge mode the past two years.
[Acute observation.]

Operation March: Full speed ahead, paper cuts and all!

This is a very quick, very short note on my endeavor for the next 31 days.

Intro:

Ok, this may seem very small and relatively pathetic if not down right pathetic, but it is a pretty big deal for me, so just humor me for a bit here. Thanks =D

Explanation:

When someone tells me "This book changed my life!" or "This is an amazing book! You have to read it!" I get really excited - no surprise. Only problem is I, well... have a problem. Which in the large picture may not be a problem but it defiantly tends to get in the way. The problem is I don't want to miss anything. Let me give you an example:

Me + 'amazing book' + comfy chair = very way cool and in need of coffee
[times 20 minutes and 3 chapters later]
Me + 'amazing book' + comfy chair + empty mug = slightly confused me because I can't remember what the first chapter was about.

My typical solution to this scenario is to get up, grab my journal and start the book over which ultimately ends up with struggling through the first chapter in the same amount of time it would take to read half the book and getting sidetracked and not picking the book up for a couple weeks which of course calls for review.

Congratulations - you now know my problem. Or at least one that is kind of ok on facebook/blog/online... anyways we won't go into any of my other problems especially since you finding about my problems is one of my problems.

Right, back to topic.

The bible [inserts holy 'awe' noise and emotional stimulation to fall on the floor]. I know that sounds a little sacrilegious, but seriously that's how it is for me - which I think it's good to be reverent but at the same time I subconsciously am stuck at a point to where I won't read parts of the bible that I have never read before because I don't want to miss anything.

In the front of my bible I have written:"This is Your word. Help me not to misuse it. But help me not be afraid to use it." That pretty much sums up the previous paragraphs.

My plan:

My plan is interesting. I am going to read straight through the bible like a book and not take notes or try and catch every little good thing in it. I figure it's God's word and He can totally emphasize what He wants me to get. And I am going to try and read the whole book in the month of March. Cray, huh?

In other words I am setting up a situation in which I could fail but honestly what could I loose by striving to do this. Who knows, maybe there'll be some humility added in there somewhere, especially if I fail my goal. At the same time though It's not a 'read the bible or bust into little maggots that ate that king somewhere in there' deal for me. I feel like this is a good thing and I'm supposed to do it. I don't feel like I'm supposed to race myself in how many pages I can do a day or set it up into any competition. I think it's an opportunity for me to understand God better and that is what He seems to be doing so far this year - expanding my view of him, deepening our relationship and breaking the boxes that I so carefully encased Him in (Which is cool! They like explode! Big boom!).

After thinking about this for the past 5 days or so it's almost starting to seem like I'm going to be reading someone's journal - and who takes notes on reading someone's journal, I mean unless it's like Hudson Taylor or George Muller. And I know God's bigger than all of them, but you know what I'm saying.

I'm not sure exactly when I will have time to read, with work and everything else. Plus I hardly ever get around to reading any books. I'm going to use all my free time to dig into the Bible and cut out things that I don't really need to spending my time on. I'm so excited! I just want to stay faithful and give it my all cause I really feel like his is something I'm supposed to do.

Purpose of this note:

Well, if you know that this is what I'm going to be trying to do for the next 31 days, you know how to pray for me! Plus accountability is always cool. It's always easier to give up on something if no one knows about it. AND I know it's really late notice, but if any of ya'll want to try and do this with me I figure we can only gain from getting to know our amazing awesome God more!

Disclaimer:

I was not sure as to who I should tag in this not so I decided I'd tag random people from random groups/events in my life. If I did not tag you and you desperately wanted to be tagged, please accept my humble apology and consider yourself officially and honorably tagged. =D

Ending:

If you have any suggestions or encouragement that'd be great! Thanks for taking the time to read this. Have an amazing St. Patrick day!

[no longer subject to] My Pathetic Humanity

Mediocrity invades me like the sun invades a field
Beckons me to come bask in it's light of falsity
When I wander there it makes me feel fair, like I have no cares, I am walking on air
Til I see my dreams will never come true
Cause I'm not pursuing
The One who called me

Then I see where I am the distance in between
My dreams it's so far - a chasm width at least
And I sit and I think as a worm eats my shade
Depression threatens me with intense road rage

Sometimes it's just so hard to believe
This mental acid rain threatens to never leave
I pray and beg for a spiritual Tylenol
But when it comes my pride stores it for fall
Oh my pathetic humanity

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law." - Galatians 5.16-17 NASB

The unshackling of the bondage of human nature by Christ's sacrifice
is truly an amazing thing.
I am no longer chained to myself.

[simple truth] In Christ, I am free.

blue eyes, a tired happy sigh and heart pain

Intricate eyelashes dancing over a sea of blue
As you blink at me, drifting to sleep.
Your fingers can barely grasp my thumb
But you still hold on, clinging to security.

Here in my arms your safe and warm,
Falling asleep smiling.
I wonder about your missing playmates
And what could have been.

I still don't understand
How someone could take one like you and do what they do
Take precious perfect and make broken pieces.

My heart cries out to those laying on the table
Dismantled • As if they were only a toy
Snuffed out • As if only a candle
I stare at invisible, empty, still cradles

What can I do
To save your generation

Logical Feeling?

I feel life creeping back into my dead skin
I feel a smile shining, erasing my shame.
I feel Your shadow engulfing me in Your embrace.
I feel the music running through me, of Your dance.

I can feel my longing for You coming back again.
I can see my desire for You rising from the dead.
I can hear my cold heart beating with Your love.
I can smell the fragrance from being in Your presence.
I know a love that will not let me go.

i am not ashamed to feel

today's good

I'm tired and sore, but I know that things are good.
I miss God but I know it won't always be this way.
I'm tired of people talking behind my back, but they just want to gossip and in the end it won't be important.
I tired of missing people, the ones who know me and love me for who I am, not what I can give them, but I know I'll see them someday.
I'm sick of who I am but I know that I was worth my Saviors blood and He finds me a beautiful creation beating with joy in Him even if it feels dead right now.
I'm sick of everything I can't say on here, but I know someday this will be a forgotten dream
I'm not good at anything but I know that He has me here for a purpose and that I can't
base my worth on skill, size, strength of knowledge.

Good - feeling one thing knowing another.

back by popular demand

For those of you who have asked me for this, here 'tis:

Striving To Remain...

I can't wait to see the look in your eyes when you tell me about your life
And that you want to spend the rest of it with me
To see your smile when I say yes and join you on your knees
Thanking God for the love He's given us

But until then
Oh, I am

Striving, to remain just for you
Keep my eyes, focused on the truth
And I pray that I can say
For every temptation that came
I overcame them,
For You

And when I give you the treasured gift of my first kiss
Know that with it I give you my heart
Yours to have and keep and hold and as we grow old
I pray the love in it will grow

Will you wait for me
Like I wait for you
Down on my knees
Will you pledge to me
Like I pledge to you
To be
Only yours before we even meet

"...she will do him good and not evil all the days of her life..." - Proverbs 31.12

passion seeker....

There's so many places I want to be
They are my hearts desire
But here I am away from them
And it feels like my fire
Is burning out
My passions are growing cold
I'm just sitting here
Growing old

I thought you had a plan for me
But where I am is the farthest
Thing from where I thought I'd be
But here is
Where you have me
Where you've lead me
I just need to hold fast and know
you won't leave me
In the dark

Make where I am where I want to be cuz it's where you have me
Make where I go where I want to go cuz that's where your leading
My only true hearts desire is your face
Lead me to Your face

my . ONLY . survival

I am human I am flesh
I run away from light, away from truth
I love the dark, and what lingers there
But the dark is only there to tear me away from You

So often my left wins over the right
So many times darkness rules the night
So often i go to the wrong side
So many times I run away from Your light

I cannot do this anymore
I've run into a locked door
As I followed my own way
Now I'm falling away

So grab me tight and hold me close
Bring me back when I've gone astray
With out Your love I cannot live
Your my only survival

You are God, You are pure
Light streams out, from Your open door
You beckon me, to draw near
Your love is what's pulling me closer, what's pulling in

I'll follow You for all my days
So take my hand and lead the way
All I want is to see Your face
Your my only desire

Thought Collection on Project: More Than Average

[Journal Entry - October 10th 2008]

average • ordinary • normal • everyday • problems • addictions • hormones • No responsibility • No expectations = TEEN

Our culture has hidden and muffled out the call for the youth of this generation and the next to take up the fight, raise the bar of expectation and strive towards excellence, honor, glory to God and to be a good[worthy] example to the next generation.

Instead the bar has been lowered. It used to be a that sex before marriage was wrong [it still is], looked down upon and not as frequent, but now look at the AIDS/HIV ransacking the country/world. "They're just teens - be careful and do what feels right." And the increased number of abortions? What about those? "It's not your fault, something must have been wrong with the birth control. Besides it's not really a human being, don't take responsibility, this could ruin your life." NO! Our actions, my actions big or small are tied together with the very chord of responsibility.

So often we're told to go play video games when we have a question or go and watch tv when we want to do something. Not that those are wrong things, but if we are simply doing them to kill time, what do we truly get out of it? The knowledge of the landscape of the universal remote? How to fly a 747 bomber by [manipulating] twitching your hand and then sending bullets into an animated figure that explodes into a vibrant orange? Yes, very shiny, very bright, very pretty, very... what else?? Very potentially life changing? Maybe, maybe not.

I believe that God shows us what He'd like us to strive for, but also gives us the chance to set goals and standards for ourselves based on His truth and after praying and seeking Him.
[i.e. a person needs to get in shape they don't necessarily need to go to the doctor and get a prescription to go running and watch what they eat - they know that's the thing to do]

After & during the pre-teen, teen, young adult, and adult years, what will our bar be?
Who will raise the bar when we're home for the summer on break?
Who will raise the bar when your home for a year and honestly all you feel like doing is sitting on the sofa chillin' and watching a movie?
Who will challenge us to go read the bible instead of taking all truth from and basing our opinion on what Oprah says [nothing against Oprah here, just an i.e.]

Where will the bar be when I'm pressed to give in to something I know is wrong? High and safe or low and in danger's way?
How will I hold the bar when being pulled from below? Will I let go because I can't hold on by my own strength? Or will God help me hold on because I am grounded in Him?
What will happen when the bar is beaten with the dull gray that has evolved from black and white? Will it hold fast or will it snap? Is it securely anchored to the rock it is continually being pushed into or rusted from the lack of movement?



Where is my level?
Who will increase the expectation?
Who will raise the bar?
Will you raise your bar?
Will I raise my bar?

Grandpa Hertzler's Graduation Blessing

"Romans 12:1 gives us a guideline for life. After Paul has shown us the wonderful things God has done, he tells us our sensible response is to give ourselves as a living sacrifice. In other words, Be Yourself. Don't hide behind any kind of mask or try to do something you're not good at. Meredith, you do this well.

The German word for this is vernuenftige Gottesdienst, which means "Sensible Worship". The word for Sunday morning service is the same as our daily life's work.

Meredith, at one time in your life, I understand you preferred BB guns over dolls. That's the way the Lord made you. And one time, when I was helping your father on the barn roof, and he lifted up some boards, and there was a copperhead. He held it down with a shovel and he called me and I came down and smashed its head. You promptly got it and skinned it and gave the meat to the cats and found eggs and little snakes in it. It gives me the creeps to handle snakes, but you evidently enjoy it. I guess that's the way the Lord made you.

We should serve God in the context of the inclinations He has given us but, never overdo a good thing. We want to fill a special place but the door to it is the daily grind which we don't especially like. We wonder," What shall I do with my life?" "How shall I find my life's
work? " " Where will I find fulfillment?"

We all know enough about the old ways, that we shouldn't put the cart before the horse. King Solomon was able to find fulfillment to thenth degree. He reached the ultimate in success. But, he put the cart before the horse because he did it for his own satisfaction. Ecc. 2:10-"
Whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure. For my heart found pleasure in all my toil and this was my reward for all my toil." He fulfilled the American Dream a thousand times. But, when it was over, it wore him out to even think about it.

Let us present our bodies a living sacrifice before the Lord; let us endeavor to live in His presence. He will shepherd us into fulfillment and when it is over, we will have satisfaction and fulfillment in the service we have given. You see, life is service. If
you haven't served you haven't lived. That was missing in Solomon's experience. His life was the ultimate in human greatness, but he sidestepped God's laws and did what he did for his own satisfaction. Just think of the heartache of the thousand girls he married. How often
did they even see him?

The book of Job pictures for us a man who served God faithfully and reaped calamity. One of the worst things was that his friends accused him of wrongdoing. In their discussions about right and wrong, Job cries out, "Surely there's a mine for silver and a place for gold. As for the earth, out of it comes bread. Man cuts channels in the rocks and his eye sees everything precious. But where shall wisdom be found? And where is the place of understanding? Man does not know the way to it, and it is not found in the land of the living. The deep says,'It is
not in me,' and the sea says,'It is not with me.' It cannot be gotten for gold and silver cannot be weighed as its price. Gold cannot equal it nor can it be exchanged for jewels of fine gold."

Read Job 28:20-28.

The book of James mentions Heavenly Wisdom. It says it is first pure. The book of Hebrews says,"Follow peace with all men and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord." James also says,"The harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." Purity and
peace are linked together. Purity is a primary part of wisdom. James says, "First, pure...then peaceable.."

There was a thriving church where some aggressive young men's positive action took the reigns out of the older brother's hands, thereby jolting them. After some time, they were able to accept this and go along with it. Then there was unity and God's blessings went into high
gear. These older brothers sowed seeds of peace. And a tremendous harvest of righteousness has been coming ever since. As it says," The harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."

Meredith, I'm glad you chose to give your life to the Lord and be baptized. I'm glad you went to the Bill Gothard Seminars. And now you've finished high school and I congratulate you. You are among a very small percentage of the world's population to have the privileges you have had. Especially since your education has not been tainted by the teaching of evolution, a blatant lie of our times.

Now you're ready for the question. What are you going to go after? The American Dream? That's good to a certain extent, but you'll hardly come up to Solomon and he was sick of it.
Proverbs 8:11 - "For wisdom is better than jewels and all you may desire cannot compare with
her." Prov. 4:7 says, "The beginning of wisdom is this - Get Wisdom, and whatever you get ,get insight." Read a chapter in the book of Proverbs every day - the number of the chapter in accordance with the day's date. Get up early enough to spend time with God first thing in the morning, no matter how busy you are. You'll never be sorry you did.

Enjoy the snakes and the guns and whatever God puts in your hands.
And praise the Lord.
Love, Grandpa Hertzler "

Random Flies in a Bottle Buzzing Around in My Head

Have you ever watched a little child truly cry?
Not sobbing, not sniffling but crying?
They're not ashamed of their tears...
They're not ashamed that it hurts....
They're not ashamed that they want someone to love them...
They trust that the one they are crying out to will help them, hold them, kiss their boo-boo and tell them it will be ok...
They're not ashamed of the vulnerability in the moment...

Why when I go to God, do I sometimes feel like I have to hold myself together?
Why when I pray do I not admit how I truly feel, how it truly hurts?
Why do I wear a mask when it's evident that I'm not okay?
Why when I see the truth and want to embrace it instead run to a corner and hide?

Are the emotions we have as children supposed to stay in childhood?
Does vulnerability really become evil after the age of 13?
Are we really supposed to turn into rocks as we advance into adulthood instead of staying moldable in the Potter's hands?


What is the real question here?

Half A Day In Familiar Territory

Gently being roused from sleep by him messing with my feet
Grabbing the thermos, my backpack and a pillow
Walking through the wet grass under a moonless night
Being anxious about what could be in the dark, even though I’m a big girl
It’s so much easier to boldly walk forward when he is there by my side like when I was little.
Running to the truck, climbing up and inside
Being greeted with that familiar smell that I use to breath much more
I used to go with him a lot more, almost every week, I miss that
The door creaks, the engine starts and I feel safe and secure in the bunk
He’s driving and my Fathers are taking care of me, I can sleep in safety
Hours later “I got you coffee Meredith”
Prepared just the way I like it, smooth and warming
I used to drink coffee only with him in the early mornings before he left
I wonder if that’s why I like it this way

We’ve been busy
I’ve been gone that majority of last year
My siblings need him
But I need him too
And I have him for the next couple hours
“I’m so glad to go trucking with you Meredith – I’ve missed this”
Maybe this year, going with him with happen more often
Maybe this year farming with him will become more than an occasional occurrence
Maybe this year talks about God and life will once again be one of our favorite quality times together
Maybe, and I think it will be yes!

He is the same as I remember, but sweeter
I love my Dad,
And I love that He is my Dad.

Perfect Contentment

“I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.” - John 15.5


In the wave of these faces and people surrounding me
I’m continually pushed and shoved around
It seems as if everyone is trying to tear You away from me
But amidst the scrapes and bruises they cannot undo
Your presence that enfolds me
I am Lost wholly in You

I get caught up in the darkness of this world swirling around me
I keep look down, forgetting my purpose
This world is not my home yet in evokes depression upon my soul
You are my only God, faithful and true
When I am lost and not sure where to go, I must look up
I am Found forever in You

With more of Your presence pouring over me, streaming off my fingers and feet
In this moment I am overwhelmed at your love for me
For all I’ve done and yet to do, I don’t deserve a single thing and yet I am Yours and You are mine
I fall on my face, crying out to be renewed
I desire your plan for me, and to stay forever at Your feet
I am Broken truly in You

Picked up and thrown down upon the concrete of reality
My dreams, desires and goals lay in splinters around me, ready to cause pain if I dare move
My life seems so insecure, I was certain of the things uncertain now
I am crushed by the weight of continual failure, overwhelming rules
I cannot mend myself in my own strength
I am Complete only in You


“Where You are, is where I want to be
Come away Lover, Come away with me
Who You are, is who I want to be
Oh, my Jesus You are all I seek”
- Where You Are HMC Worship -

Follow You - Matthew 8.19

Father, You've rescued me
From my shackles, they lay broken at my feet
You've given me the choice
To go where I choose so I'm running to you

Jesus, You've paved the road
Without Your sacrifice, I'd not know where to go
And You walk beside me
Showing me how to follow You daily

You're all I want, My deep desire, Lord, Deepen it more

I will follow You, follow You
Down the road less traveled the path for my life
I will follow You, follow You
Cover me in the dust of my Rabbi

Graduated? Me?

Finally! The moment I’ve been waiting for! With a flick of my wrist the white square that had tormented my forehead for the last half hour flew up in the sky. Sunlight and the feeling of freedom engulfed my entire being in their rays. And then suddenly they were popped by two questions, juts like a toddler pops a bubble while trying to grab it.
“Graduated? Graduated from what?” “Freedom? Freedom from what?”

My mind raced back to random video clips of the last 13 years. High school was a bit of a challenge. 8th grade was the coolest year. English was and still is hard. But what did I graduate from? Sharpening pencils and sitting at a desk? All nighters? Late night chocolate bars and Gatorade? Getting jabbed awake in class by a fellow chemist? Was it the page mass: 599 pg books to those massive libraries college kids lug around? I didn’t graduate from learning did I? Was this just a ceremony to give me the right to place my blue, brown and golden tassel on my vehicle’s mirror? An excuse to have a nice golden sticker on a paper with my name in the middle?

I knew what I had to get done. I knew what I had to accomplish. I had a goal and purpose: to learn and to get to this moment. But this moment is fleeting away. I cannot hold on, I cannot live in this second for the rest of my life. The open road is rapidly moving under my feet, where will this next turn lead to? Graduating from high-school isn’t being done with school it’s just the drink before the race. The rest before a new day begins. The sharpening before the knife can be used to cut anything. The powder behind the slug. The lotion before the tan. A tune up before the concert.

As for freedom, is it possible to ever be free from learning. I hope not. It would be terrible to stop learning and have to just live life because there’s no thing else. I want new challenges. I want new adventures. I want new ways to be reminded that I am not strong enough to do it on my own. I want to be reminded of my frailty and venerability through life, learning, further education and everything else. I never want to be so confident in my self that I don’t rely on God. My desire is to be continually reminded that I am only sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency.

I want to go farther than anyone’s gone
I want to dig deeper than anyone’s dug
I want to run faster that anyone’s run
For You, for You
I want to see further than anyone’s seen
I want to swim longer than anyone’s swam
I want to hike higher than anyone’s been
In search of You

Lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.
Proverbs. 3 5-6 -Amplified

So far in my short 18 years I’ve realized that it’s not graduating from it’s graduating to. When you graduate from anything, be it high-school, kinder-garden, EXCEL, hunter’s education or college you are given the opportunity to stay where you are or to keep going higher and further. That in it’s self has to be one of the best gifts any graduate can receive. It is our choice what to do with this freedom. Give it to God? Or follow it our way?

So, what are you graduating to?

A Sweet Mentality

Ever feel like a piece of candy? Like smarties, snickers, skittles, kit-kats or m&ms? I have. Right now I feel like a lollipop. A dum-dums lollipop, actually. Only 3 days after high-school graduation and I feel like a dum-dum, and it’s not just the name.

I’ve been advancing up the stick towards my target. My aim was to be on top, having achieved this success at last! But now, what is there? My ‘sweetness’ is stuck at the end of this stick and I can’t go further. If I do, I’ll end up in the dirt.

I’m stifled in this wrapper that advertises what is inside. The words on the outside excite me yet when the wrapper is unwrapped I feel insecure and vulnerable. As if I’m on display in a glass case.

What to do when one feels like a piece candy?

First Draft: Thoughts Of A Mathematical Thumb-Drive – 1

Intro:
What do you do with a thumb drive? Well, if your like most people you use it to transport information from one device to the other machine. You store valuable information on it. It is normally in your pocket, on your keychain, or somewhere safe nearby.
A thumb drive is an object. A toy. A useful tool. It is chosen and bought by someone who is planning on using it and not just throwing it into a drawer.
Not to take any of this out of context, but I want to be a thumb-drive when I grow up. Ready at any time for God to download new files, ideas, and passions upon my drive. Always close to my Savior, Jesus, in his hand, pocket or keychain. Prepared to share information if God asks me to and gives me the opportunity. Willing to be transformed.
Through previous experiences, different conversations with close friends, and hands-on lessons from God, here’s some interesting data that has been stored and written on my chip lately.

Body:
(talking to God)
I + who I am + what I am = nothing
You + who You are + what You are = everything
My nothingness + Your everything = my completeness in You alone
So, since I’ve been born from above:
I + You + who I am + who You are + what I am + what You are =
I am Jesus + Jesus is me + I am your daughter + You are my Father =
I am perfect – my flesh(sarx) =
I can only be perfect in You and because I am You and You are me,
therefore gratefulness, not pride is (should be) the result of my perfection =
Desire to fulfill Your will + follow You + do everything I do for You + strive not to care about what others think of me = Philippians 4.13

I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses inner strength into me: I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency]. - Philippians 4.13 Amplified Version

Conclusion:
I’m not done living life yet. My bytes have not all been used. I don’t know the conclusion. Only the master techie knows that. I have to wait until He is ready to download; wait for, rest on, and be content with abiding in Him. My physical life won’t be concluded until it has ended here on earth, and my eternal life has started with God, somewhere beyond the blue . . .

Photo Scavenger Hunt - Advanced EXCEL assignment

1. Stapler - Look at that face. You can almost hear it sing "Lonely, I am so lonely. I need some paper, that I can punch".


2. Reflections - Watching my brother steal my cookies

3. Leap - A leap, jump and a land... but where did the basketball go?

4. Fears - Empty cookie jars and broken pizza stones.

5. Coffee - Steaming fresh espresso raises the tired to a new level of energy.

6. Time - It reminds you that it has past, promises that it will run out and challenges you to live it now.

7. Squirrel - FOR SALE: Small comfortable apartment on Pine Tree Road located in the rural community, Hertzler Acres. Affordable with beautiful view, deadly fall and outdoor outhouse(s). Chattering neighbors guaranteed.

Please call 1-GOING-NUTZS.

8. White Trash - (Australian accent) Good 'ay Mate. (English accent) Cheer up 'ol lad, better luck next time.

9. Date - Keeping track of who's coming over when and for what.

10. Police - The closest I'll ever get to a cop (hopefully); speeding past his house, hoping to get the car in the pic! A DRIVE BY SHOOTING! You can see our van window and mirror.

11. Self Portrait - "What to say or what not to say, that is the question."

12. Making a Statement – "Remember your Creator in the days of your youth" - Ecclesiastes 12.1 NIV BTW, this picture was NOT posed!

14. Weather - This is my favorite kind of weather, when you feel the warm sun race across your shoulders and then the shiver from the clouds follows closely behind.

16. Green - "To be green is a beautiful thing: it makes one want to jump and sing." - corny line of the day

18. A Favorite Thing - This is Craz, one of my awesome, beautiful Holstein calves.

20. Vanishing Point - "Roads are for journeys, not destinations" - Unknown

21. Funny - The beginnings of a fight

22. Bonus assignment: Cute - Zeb, the little man we take care of.

Random Musings on Worship

Worship is not singing a song or hymn.
It's not the music or the way someone penned words together.
Worship is our hearts cry of a desperate, hungry soul crying out for more.
The quite solitude of a grateful and thankful soul that knows God is
sovereign and in control.
It is one’s laughter and joyful exclamations upon realizing the
awesome wonders of our God.
Or, the tears and heart breaking cries of “You give and take away” and
“I don't understand this pain, but I know You still hold me in Your hand".
Like, someone jumping and leaping with great joy after their chains
are broken giving them freedom.
Worship is running through green pastures of joy and sitting beside
clear waters of hope, engulfed in the light of the Son.
Worship is walking through the valley of the shadow of death,
knowing, believing, and having faith in God that He will keep His promise
to never leave you or forsake you.
It is thanking Him for the deliverance to come, and continuing to rest,
wait, and abide in Christ.
We worship God because of who He is and how He loves us.
True worship is a result of following the desire that God placed in the
very heart of our soul to praise Him and lift our eyes towards His face.

Failure, Mirrors and Me

Failure, Mirrors, and Me

Failure.
I hate it.
I want to kill it.
If only I could burn it, throw it away, run-over it, shoot it . . .
Yet it seems that as many times as I try to throw it out the window of my car, it resists the 90 mph wind, holds onto the side mirror, and smirks at me as it climbs back into my life.
I've failed to get rid of failure.
I've failed to tear its knife out of my soul that is continually cutting deeper and deeper.
I can't get it to leave. In anything and everything I do, even if it turns out to be good,
I constantly see failure's face and hear its laugh ringing throughout my head.
I've come to the realization that I am a failure.
Failure has convicted me that I can't do anything right.
Failure has confused me to where I believe its lies.
Failure has convinced me that its identity is now mine.
I am a failure.

Lately whenever failure begins to sneak into my thoughts and feelings, I've noticed that my vision is centered on one object: me. How will this failure affect me? What will 'they' think of me? Whose fault is it? Mine. Who failed? Me. The combination of Satan and me creates a very deformed, black, ugly, shriveled-up image of myself. I wish Satan would pack his bags and leave me alone. I feel like I am constantly going back to is desk and asking for a mirror. AH! Why do I do that?

Jesus didn't die so I could fail. Jesus didn't die so I could look into Satan's mirror. I have a mirror from Jesus, and in it I see that I am loved by Him, beautiful in His scars and that there is much more to see. But so often I turn to the other mirror and beat myself up because of the darkness I see. I'm so used to seeing myself as a failure that I'm scared of seeing who I am in Christ. I'm scared of the pure, white, illuminating light shining out of my face in Jesus' mirror. I'm scared that I'm scared to see all of myself in Christ.

As I was typing the above, I kept thinking about a song that talks about lifting my eyes to the hills, so I decided to look for that verse(s) in the concordance. Check this out:

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper
The LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night
The LORD will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.
- Psalms 121 NASB

I WILL (conscious decision) lift my eyes to the mountains! Where does my help come from? MY HELP COMES (a promise) from the LORD, maker of heaven and earth. He's not going
to let my foot slip while my eyes are on Him. He is always watching me because He never sleeps. He IS (another promise) my keeper [Hebrew: shamar meaning to hedge about, guards, to protect, attend to, take heed, keep, mark, observe, preserve, regard, reserve, save, wait, to watch]. The shade on my right hand, protecting me from the sun and moon [other 'gods'], is my God. He is the ultimate protector, keeping my soul, and guarding me from all evil. My God, My Savior, will guard me from now until forever (promise).

I must continue to rise when I fall. To slap on a band-aid and keep running to race. I want to succeed, not fail.

     
"Do not waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
-Winston Churchill:

Father, help me to keep believing this, and making it mine.

I have Your love and word; You have my faith and trust.

I want to see myself in You, not how I see me or what I think others see.

Continue to show and remind me that You conquered failure, and that Your mirror is the best outlook for everything in life.

Show me . . . ME.

On beauty, from Meredith’s personal file “Recent conversations with God”.

"I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful"
- Beautiful by Bethany Dillon

Yes! Father, I want to be beautiful! Look at this world You’ve created!Delicate flower petals, vibrant sunsets, rushing waterfalls, new born fawns nestled down in the tall grass, new born babies, thunderstorms, weddings, seashells, trees, leaves, rocks . . .
You’ve created so many beautiful things. You are the creator of ultimate beauty!

What do I have?
Scars, physical and non-visible. I used to think scars were a thing of beauty, a victory won and respect achieved;
But now they’re just a painful reminder that I don’t feel beautiful. Who would ever want to be around a scarred girl? Jesus, what could possibly define my beauty now?

“Meredith, you are beautiful to me, I desired you before I created you. I am proud of my scars for by them I now can be yours and you are mine. I love you so much that I engraved your name on my hands. I see it now, a scar on my palm, and I will never regret the sacrifice and pain dealt to me to create it. Beloved, you are mine forever. Scars mean you survived something intense. A painful experience had to happen for scar tissue to form, creating a harder, denser and bolder skin than before. My love created these scars. They are a constant reminder of the battle I fought and won for you.
You are never out of my mind. The magnitude of stars and countless grains of sand CAN BE COUNTED compared to the thought I have towards you. I created you and it was good. Why look for beauty from others or by other things when I am the only one who sees and truly knows how beautiful and precious you are. You are my most prized possession. Come, sit with me, and view life through my scars.”

Jesus, Your scars alone define my beauty.

"You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful"
- Beautiful by Bethany Dillon

What defines your beauty?