Random Flies in a Bottle Buzzing Around in My Head

Have you ever watched a little child truly cry?
Not sobbing, not sniffling but crying?
They're not ashamed of their tears...
They're not ashamed that it hurts....
They're not ashamed that they want someone to love them...
They trust that the one they are crying out to will help them, hold them, kiss their boo-boo and tell them it will be ok...
They're not ashamed of the vulnerability in the moment...

Why when I go to God, do I sometimes feel like I have to hold myself together?
Why when I pray do I not admit how I truly feel, how it truly hurts?
Why do I wear a mask when it's evident that I'm not okay?
Why when I see the truth and want to embrace it instead run to a corner and hide?

Are the emotions we have as children supposed to stay in childhood?
Does vulnerability really become evil after the age of 13?
Are we really supposed to turn into rocks as we advance into adulthood instead of staying moldable in the Potter's hands?


What is the real question here?

Half A Day In Familiar Territory

Gently being roused from sleep by him messing with my feet
Grabbing the thermos, my backpack and a pillow
Walking through the wet grass under a moonless night
Being anxious about what could be in the dark, even though I’m a big girl
It’s so much easier to boldly walk forward when he is there by my side like when I was little.
Running to the truck, climbing up and inside
Being greeted with that familiar smell that I use to breath much more
I used to go with him a lot more, almost every week, I miss that
The door creaks, the engine starts and I feel safe and secure in the bunk
He’s driving and my Fathers are taking care of me, I can sleep in safety
Hours later “I got you coffee Meredith”
Prepared just the way I like it, smooth and warming
I used to drink coffee only with him in the early mornings before he left
I wonder if that’s why I like it this way

We’ve been busy
I’ve been gone that majority of last year
My siblings need him
But I need him too
And I have him for the next couple hours
“I’m so glad to go trucking with you Meredith – I’ve missed this”
Maybe this year, going with him with happen more often
Maybe this year farming with him will become more than an occasional occurrence
Maybe this year talks about God and life will once again be one of our favorite quality times together
Maybe, and I think it will be yes!

He is the same as I remember, but sweeter
I love my Dad,
And I love that He is my Dad.

Perfect Contentment

“I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.” - John 15.5


In the wave of these faces and people surrounding me
I’m continually pushed and shoved around
It seems as if everyone is trying to tear You away from me
But amidst the scrapes and bruises they cannot undo
Your presence that enfolds me
I am Lost wholly in You

I get caught up in the darkness of this world swirling around me
I keep look down, forgetting my purpose
This world is not my home yet in evokes depression upon my soul
You are my only God, faithful and true
When I am lost and not sure where to go, I must look up
I am Found forever in You

With more of Your presence pouring over me, streaming off my fingers and feet
In this moment I am overwhelmed at your love for me
For all I’ve done and yet to do, I don’t deserve a single thing and yet I am Yours and You are mine
I fall on my face, crying out to be renewed
I desire your plan for me, and to stay forever at Your feet
I am Broken truly in You

Picked up and thrown down upon the concrete of reality
My dreams, desires and goals lay in splinters around me, ready to cause pain if I dare move
My life seems so insecure, I was certain of the things uncertain now
I am crushed by the weight of continual failure, overwhelming rules
I cannot mend myself in my own strength
I am Complete only in You


“Where You are, is where I want to be
Come away Lover, Come away with me
Who You are, is who I want to be
Oh, my Jesus You are all I seek”
- Where You Are HMC Worship -

Follow You - Matthew 8.19

Father, You've rescued me
From my shackles, they lay broken at my feet
You've given me the choice
To go where I choose so I'm running to you

Jesus, You've paved the road
Without Your sacrifice, I'd not know where to go
And You walk beside me
Showing me how to follow You daily

You're all I want, My deep desire, Lord, Deepen it more

I will follow You, follow You
Down the road less traveled the path for my life
I will follow You, follow You
Cover me in the dust of my Rabbi

Graduated? Me?

Finally! The moment I’ve been waiting for! With a flick of my wrist the white square that had tormented my forehead for the last half hour flew up in the sky. Sunlight and the feeling of freedom engulfed my entire being in their rays. And then suddenly they were popped by two questions, juts like a toddler pops a bubble while trying to grab it.
“Graduated? Graduated from what?” “Freedom? Freedom from what?”

My mind raced back to random video clips of the last 13 years. High school was a bit of a challenge. 8th grade was the coolest year. English was and still is hard. But what did I graduate from? Sharpening pencils and sitting at a desk? All nighters? Late night chocolate bars and Gatorade? Getting jabbed awake in class by a fellow chemist? Was it the page mass: 599 pg books to those massive libraries college kids lug around? I didn’t graduate from learning did I? Was this just a ceremony to give me the right to place my blue, brown and golden tassel on my vehicle’s mirror? An excuse to have a nice golden sticker on a paper with my name in the middle?

I knew what I had to get done. I knew what I had to accomplish. I had a goal and purpose: to learn and to get to this moment. But this moment is fleeting away. I cannot hold on, I cannot live in this second for the rest of my life. The open road is rapidly moving under my feet, where will this next turn lead to? Graduating from high-school isn’t being done with school it’s just the drink before the race. The rest before a new day begins. The sharpening before the knife can be used to cut anything. The powder behind the slug. The lotion before the tan. A tune up before the concert.

As for freedom, is it possible to ever be free from learning. I hope not. It would be terrible to stop learning and have to just live life because there’s no thing else. I want new challenges. I want new adventures. I want new ways to be reminded that I am not strong enough to do it on my own. I want to be reminded of my frailty and venerability through life, learning, further education and everything else. I never want to be so confident in my self that I don’t rely on God. My desire is to be continually reminded that I am only sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency.

I want to go farther than anyone’s gone
I want to dig deeper than anyone’s dug
I want to run faster that anyone’s run
For You, for You
I want to see further than anyone’s seen
I want to swim longer than anyone’s swam
I want to hike higher than anyone’s been
In search of You

Lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.
Proverbs. 3 5-6 -Amplified

So far in my short 18 years I’ve realized that it’s not graduating from it’s graduating to. When you graduate from anything, be it high-school, kinder-garden, EXCEL, hunter’s education or college you are given the opportunity to stay where you are or to keep going higher and further. That in it’s self has to be one of the best gifts any graduate can receive. It is our choice what to do with this freedom. Give it to God? Or follow it our way?

So, what are you graduating to?

A Sweet Mentality

Ever feel like a piece of candy? Like smarties, snickers, skittles, kit-kats or m&ms? I have. Right now I feel like a lollipop. A dum-dums lollipop, actually. Only 3 days after high-school graduation and I feel like a dum-dum, and it’s not just the name.

I’ve been advancing up the stick towards my target. My aim was to be on top, having achieved this success at last! But now, what is there? My ‘sweetness’ is stuck at the end of this stick and I can’t go further. If I do, I’ll end up in the dirt.

I’m stifled in this wrapper that advertises what is inside. The words on the outside excite me yet when the wrapper is unwrapped I feel insecure and vulnerable. As if I’m on display in a glass case.

What to do when one feels like a piece candy?

First Draft: Thoughts Of A Mathematical Thumb-Drive – 1

Intro:
What do you do with a thumb drive? Well, if your like most people you use it to transport information from one device to the other machine. You store valuable information on it. It is normally in your pocket, on your keychain, or somewhere safe nearby.
A thumb drive is an object. A toy. A useful tool. It is chosen and bought by someone who is planning on using it and not just throwing it into a drawer.
Not to take any of this out of context, but I want to be a thumb-drive when I grow up. Ready at any time for God to download new files, ideas, and passions upon my drive. Always close to my Savior, Jesus, in his hand, pocket or keychain. Prepared to share information if God asks me to and gives me the opportunity. Willing to be transformed.
Through previous experiences, different conversations with close friends, and hands-on lessons from God, here’s some interesting data that has been stored and written on my chip lately.

Body:
(talking to God)
I + who I am + what I am = nothing
You + who You are + what You are = everything
My nothingness + Your everything = my completeness in You alone
So, since I’ve been born from above:
I + You + who I am + who You are + what I am + what You are =
I am Jesus + Jesus is me + I am your daughter + You are my Father =
I am perfect – my flesh(sarx) =
I can only be perfect in You and because I am You and You are me,
therefore gratefulness, not pride is (should be) the result of my perfection =
Desire to fulfill Your will + follow You + do everything I do for You + strive not to care about what others think of me = Philippians 4.13

I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses inner strength into me: I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency]. - Philippians 4.13 Amplified Version

Conclusion:
I’m not done living life yet. My bytes have not all been used. I don’t know the conclusion. Only the master techie knows that. I have to wait until He is ready to download; wait for, rest on, and be content with abiding in Him. My physical life won’t be concluded until it has ended here on earth, and my eternal life has started with God, somewhere beyond the blue . . .

Photo Scavenger Hunt - Advanced EXCEL assignment

1. Stapler - Look at that face. You can almost hear it sing "Lonely, I am so lonely. I need some paper, that I can punch".


2. Reflections - Watching my brother steal my cookies

3. Leap - A leap, jump and a land... but where did the basketball go?

4. Fears - Empty cookie jars and broken pizza stones.

5. Coffee - Steaming fresh espresso raises the tired to a new level of energy.

6. Time - It reminds you that it has past, promises that it will run out and challenges you to live it now.

7. Squirrel - FOR SALE: Small comfortable apartment on Pine Tree Road located in the rural community, Hertzler Acres. Affordable with beautiful view, deadly fall and outdoor outhouse(s). Chattering neighbors guaranteed.

Please call 1-GOING-NUTZS.

8. White Trash - (Australian accent) Good 'ay Mate. (English accent) Cheer up 'ol lad, better luck next time.

9. Date - Keeping track of who's coming over when and for what.

10. Police - The closest I'll ever get to a cop (hopefully); speeding past his house, hoping to get the car in the pic! A DRIVE BY SHOOTING! You can see our van window and mirror.

11. Self Portrait - "What to say or what not to say, that is the question."

12. Making a Statement – "Remember your Creator in the days of your youth" - Ecclesiastes 12.1 NIV BTW, this picture was NOT posed!

14. Weather - This is my favorite kind of weather, when you feel the warm sun race across your shoulders and then the shiver from the clouds follows closely behind.

16. Green - "To be green is a beautiful thing: it makes one want to jump and sing." - corny line of the day

18. A Favorite Thing - This is Craz, one of my awesome, beautiful Holstein calves.

20. Vanishing Point - "Roads are for journeys, not destinations" - Unknown

21. Funny - The beginnings of a fight

22. Bonus assignment: Cute - Zeb, the little man we take care of.

Random Musings on Worship

Worship is not singing a song or hymn.
It's not the music or the way someone penned words together.
Worship is our hearts cry of a desperate, hungry soul crying out for more.
The quite solitude of a grateful and thankful soul that knows God is
sovereign and in control.
It is one’s laughter and joyful exclamations upon realizing the
awesome wonders of our God.
Or, the tears and heart breaking cries of “You give and take away” and
“I don't understand this pain, but I know You still hold me in Your hand".
Like, someone jumping and leaping with great joy after their chains
are broken giving them freedom.
Worship is running through green pastures of joy and sitting beside
clear waters of hope, engulfed in the light of the Son.
Worship is walking through the valley of the shadow of death,
knowing, believing, and having faith in God that He will keep His promise
to never leave you or forsake you.
It is thanking Him for the deliverance to come, and continuing to rest,
wait, and abide in Christ.
We worship God because of who He is and how He loves us.
True worship is a result of following the desire that God placed in the
very heart of our soul to praise Him and lift our eyes towards His face.

Failure, Mirrors and Me

Failure, Mirrors, and Me

Failure.
I hate it.
I want to kill it.
If only I could burn it, throw it away, run-over it, shoot it . . .
Yet it seems that as many times as I try to throw it out the window of my car, it resists the 90 mph wind, holds onto the side mirror, and smirks at me as it climbs back into my life.
I've failed to get rid of failure.
I've failed to tear its knife out of my soul that is continually cutting deeper and deeper.
I can't get it to leave. In anything and everything I do, even if it turns out to be good,
I constantly see failure's face and hear its laugh ringing throughout my head.
I've come to the realization that I am a failure.
Failure has convicted me that I can't do anything right.
Failure has confused me to where I believe its lies.
Failure has convinced me that its identity is now mine.
I am a failure.

Lately whenever failure begins to sneak into my thoughts and feelings, I've noticed that my vision is centered on one object: me. How will this failure affect me? What will 'they' think of me? Whose fault is it? Mine. Who failed? Me. The combination of Satan and me creates a very deformed, black, ugly, shriveled-up image of myself. I wish Satan would pack his bags and leave me alone. I feel like I am constantly going back to is desk and asking for a mirror. AH! Why do I do that?

Jesus didn't die so I could fail. Jesus didn't die so I could look into Satan's mirror. I have a mirror from Jesus, and in it I see that I am loved by Him, beautiful in His scars and that there is much more to see. But so often I turn to the other mirror and beat myself up because of the darkness I see. I'm so used to seeing myself as a failure that I'm scared of seeing who I am in Christ. I'm scared of the pure, white, illuminating light shining out of my face in Jesus' mirror. I'm scared that I'm scared to see all of myself in Christ.

As I was typing the above, I kept thinking about a song that talks about lifting my eyes to the hills, so I decided to look for that verse(s) in the concordance. Check this out:

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper
The LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night
The LORD will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.
- Psalms 121 NASB

I WILL (conscious decision) lift my eyes to the mountains! Where does my help come from? MY HELP COMES (a promise) from the LORD, maker of heaven and earth. He's not going
to let my foot slip while my eyes are on Him. He is always watching me because He never sleeps. He IS (another promise) my keeper [Hebrew: shamar meaning to hedge about, guards, to protect, attend to, take heed, keep, mark, observe, preserve, regard, reserve, save, wait, to watch]. The shade on my right hand, protecting me from the sun and moon [other 'gods'], is my God. He is the ultimate protector, keeping my soul, and guarding me from all evil. My God, My Savior, will guard me from now until forever (promise).

I must continue to rise when I fall. To slap on a band-aid and keep running to race. I want to succeed, not fail.

     
"Do not waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
-Winston Churchill:

Father, help me to keep believing this, and making it mine.

I have Your love and word; You have my faith and trust.

I want to see myself in You, not how I see me or what I think others see.

Continue to show and remind me that You conquered failure, and that Your mirror is the best outlook for everything in life.

Show me . . . ME.

On beauty, from Meredith’s personal file “Recent conversations with God”.

"I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful"
- Beautiful by Bethany Dillon

Yes! Father, I want to be beautiful! Look at this world You’ve created!Delicate flower petals, vibrant sunsets, rushing waterfalls, new born fawns nestled down in the tall grass, new born babies, thunderstorms, weddings, seashells, trees, leaves, rocks . . .
You’ve created so many beautiful things. You are the creator of ultimate beauty!

What do I have?
Scars, physical and non-visible. I used to think scars were a thing of beauty, a victory won and respect achieved;
But now they’re just a painful reminder that I don’t feel beautiful. Who would ever want to be around a scarred girl? Jesus, what could possibly define my beauty now?

“Meredith, you are beautiful to me, I desired you before I created you. I am proud of my scars for by them I now can be yours and you are mine. I love you so much that I engraved your name on my hands. I see it now, a scar on my palm, and I will never regret the sacrifice and pain dealt to me to create it. Beloved, you are mine forever. Scars mean you survived something intense. A painful experience had to happen for scar tissue to form, creating a harder, denser and bolder skin than before. My love created these scars. They are a constant reminder of the battle I fought and won for you.
You are never out of my mind. The magnitude of stars and countless grains of sand CAN BE COUNTED compared to the thought I have towards you. I created you and it was good. Why look for beauty from others or by other things when I am the only one who sees and truly knows how beautiful and precious you are. You are my most prized possession. Come, sit with me, and view life through my scars.”

Jesus, Your scars alone define my beauty.

"You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful"
- Beautiful by Bethany Dillon

What defines your beauty?