Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Failure, Mirrors and Me

Failure, Mirrors, and Me

I hate it.
I want to kill it.
If only I could burn it, throw it away, run-over it, shoot it . . .
Yet it seems that as many times as I try to throw it out the window of my car, it resists the 90 mph wind, holds onto the side mirror, and smirks at me as it climbs back into my life.
I've failed to get rid of failure.
I've failed to tear its knife out of my soul that is continually cutting deeper and deeper.
I can't get it to leave. In anything and everything I do, even if it turns out to be good,
I constantly see failure's face and hear its laugh ringing throughout my head.
I've come to the realization that I am a failure.
Failure has convicted me that I can't do anything right.
Failure has confused me to where I believe its lies.
Failure has convinced me that its identity is now mine.
I am a failure.

Lately whenever failure begins to sneak into my thoughts and feelings, I've noticed that my vision is centered on one object: me. How will this failure affect me? What will 'they' think of me? Whose fault is it? Mine. Who failed? Me. The combination of Satan and me creates a very deformed, black, ugly, shriveled-up image of myself. I wish Satan would pack his bags and leave me alone. I feel like I am constantly going back to is desk and asking for a mirror. AH! Why do I do that?

Jesus didn't die so I could fail. Jesus didn't die so I could look into Satan's mirror. I have a mirror from Jesus, and in it I see that I am loved by Him, beautiful in His scars and that there is much more to see. But so often I turn to the other mirror and beat myself up because of the darkness I see. I'm so used to seeing myself as a failure that I'm scared of seeing who I am in Christ. I'm scared of the pure, white, illuminating light shining out of my face in Jesus' mirror. I'm scared that I'm scared to see all of myself in Christ.

As I was typing the above, I kept thinking about a song that talks about lifting my eyes to the hills, so I decided to look for that verse(s) in the concordance. Check this out:

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From where shall my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper
The LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night
The LORD will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.
- Psalms 121 NASB

I WILL (conscious decision) lift my eyes to the mountains! Where does my help come from? MY HELP COMES (a promise) from the LORD, maker of heaven and earth. He's not going
to let my foot slip while my eyes are on Him. He is always watching me because He never sleeps. He IS (another promise) my keeper [Hebrew: shamar meaning to hedge about, guards, to protect, attend to, take heed, keep, mark, observe, preserve, regard, reserve, save, wait, to watch]. The shade on my right hand, protecting me from the sun and moon [other 'gods'], is my God. He is the ultimate protector, keeping my soul, and guarding me from all evil. My God, My Savior, will guard me from now until forever (promise).

I must continue to rise when I fall. To slap on a band-aid and keep running to race. I want to succeed, not fail.

"Do not waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
-Winston Churchill:

Father, help me to keep believing this, and making it mine.

I have Your love and word; You have my faith and trust.
I want to see myself in You, not how I see me or what I think others see.
Continue to show and remind me that You conquered failure, and that Your mirror is the best outlook for everything in life.

Show me . . . ME.


Chrissy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chrissy said...

Wow Mer... I like your post a lot, great thoughts. I liked the pics. I'm praying for you : D

Anonymous said...

Great post Mer! I love you girl!

Mer said...

This is so amazing, Meredith, the abilities that God has given you to communicate your thoughts with the written word. I know He will continue to sharpen your skill and bless many hearts at the same time. God bless you, I love you,